I have a confession to make: I’m tired.
This isn’t new. I’ve been tired for awhile now. It’s just that, in the past twelve months or so, I’ve started to see how the reason I’m tired is I’m fighting a battle that’s impossible to win. I don’t think I was ever intended to fight it in the first place.
I’m giving up.
But it’s not what you think.
When I was young I was the victim of sexual abuse. Ever since then, I’ve felt like the victim to many more things. Anger and bitterness. Other abusive relationships. Life circumstances. I spent most of my twenties wishing I could have the life I dreamed about, but for the most part assuming it just wasn’t possible.
I wish I could have richer relationships, but people are just so broken…
I wish I could have a more fulfilling career, but I have to pay the bills…
I wish I could have more freedom in my life, but I have responsibilities…
I wish I could be more mature, but growth takes time…
I’m tired of it. I’m tired of waiting around thinking that, given more time, or more resources, or some set of perfect circumstances — a cosmic nod from above — I might get the freedom, or passion, or fulfillment I crave. I’m tired of sitting back waiting for it to come to me. I’m freaking sick of it! I’m not going to do it anymore.
I’m not a victim.
When it comes to relationships, I’m tired of assuming the reason most of mine feel shallow is because there aren’t enough hours in the day, or because people will just never understand me. I’m ready to figure out what is getting in the way of my relationships growing deeper, even if it means facing what’s wrong with me.
I’m done blaming it on other people. I’m not a victim.
I’m tired of thinking the questions I have about God and faith just can’t be answered this side of heaven. I’m tired of settling for injustice, for giving in to it, under the guise “this is just a broken world.” That’s not the message of the Gospel.
I don’t believe God ever intended us to live like that.
I think He built us to ask questions, to earnestly seek answers, seek wisdom, and not give up until we find it.
I’m tired of buying the lie that my story isn’t worth telling. I’m tired of worrying it isn’t “nice” enough or “exciting” enough. I’m done wondering if anyone will even read it.
I’m going to tell my story, regardless if anyone reads it or not.
I’m going to learn to do it well, not because it will make my life matter anymore than anyone else’s, but because it will make my life richer. There is great intrinsic value in storytelling.
I’m not going to let fear stop me anymore.
I’m done settling for a boring, unsatisfying work life. I’m tired of telling myself “everyone has to do it” to make ends meet. I’m discovering how, if I’m willing to let go of some things (some tangible and some intangible, like unrealistic expectations I have) it is possible to find satisfaction in what I do on a daily basis.
I think it’s possible to do what I want to do without abandoning my responsibilities.
I’m ready to grow up, no matter how much work it takes, no matter what I have to admit about myself.
I’m not waiting around to “grow out” of insecurity. I’m grabbing it by the you-know-what and telling it to go you-know-where. I’m not letting shame boss me around anymore. I’m sick and tired of it. I’m kicking it to the curb.
I can’t do it anymore. I give up.
I’m done blaming the “hand I was dealt.” It’s not worth it. It’s holding me back. I’m focusing on what I can change. Because I can change a lot. More than I like to admit sometimes.
Complaining is easy. Change is hard.
I’m learning to embrace the power I have to shape my personal story.
Will you join me?